I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
