i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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