If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
