made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
