apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
