You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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