3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
