the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
