he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
