I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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