I feel like abortions should bother me more
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
