Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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