What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
