I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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