70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
