I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
