Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
