Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(352): Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself. http://tfl.nu/hxa2

Replies (5) Good night (2173) Bad night (685)
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(937): View more from Ohio

I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!

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(937): I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser! http://tfl.nu/qe5c

Replies (36) Good night (1007) Bad night (5040)
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(310): View more from California

Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...

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(310): Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me... http://tfl.nu/5b54

Replies (9) Good night (4856) Bad night (764)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk. http://tfl.nu/tfhs

Replies (5) Good night (4723) Bad night (912)
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(+61): View more from Australia

I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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(+61): I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today http://tfl.nu/nnzy

Replies (3) Good night (1990) Bad night (795)
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(817): View more from Texas

You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

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(817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember? http://tfl.nu/aoja

Replies (0) Good night (990) Bad night (479)
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(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

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(914): I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm. http://tfl.nu/kbjg

Replies (13) Good night (1557) Bad night (783)
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(847): View more from Illinois

that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn

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(847): that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn http://tfl.nu/c0rj

Replies (15) Good night (1060) Bad night (703)
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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5

Replies (4) Good night (1390) Bad night (420)
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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone. http://tfl.nu/7x1i

Replies (6) Good night (1740) Bad night (474)
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(718): View more from New York

I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.

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(718): I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best. http://tfl.nu/yss2

Replies (5) Good night (1025) Bad night (424)
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(479): View more from Arkansas

DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

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(479): DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. http://tfl.nu/l2ld

Replies (8) Good night (346) Bad night (1210)
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(785): View more from Kansas

And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?

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(785): And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney? http://tfl.nu/o9bx

Replies (0) Good night (357) Bad night (341)
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(214): View more from Texas

I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore

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(214): I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore http://tfl.nu/ea8h

Replies (7) Good night (715) Bad night (412)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"

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(202): I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later" http://tfl.nu/n53s

Replies (0) Good night (652) Bad night (302)

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