theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!