I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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