I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
