Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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