forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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