He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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