You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
