so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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