i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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