My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
