I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
