rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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