Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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