There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
