question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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