if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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