At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
