hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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