I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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