im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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