My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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