Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
