Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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