just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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