if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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