how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
