I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
