dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
