Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
