i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
