so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize