You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
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forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize