I wish I could teleport
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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