I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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