Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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