Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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