I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
