Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
