I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
