How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
