shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
