Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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