Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
