i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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