I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
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And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
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STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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